It has taken all of myself control to stay in tact.
A friend of mine just died. When I got the news my words were: "What are you talking about?" disbelief still colours my thoughts, hours later. I always have naivety when it comes to people close to me, I expect them to be there forever.
You'd think I would have learnt.
Everyday the lesson needs reteaching.
Two years ago I lost my mother in what has now become the worst year of my life. Actually every year since that seems to lose any real chance at being great. Nothing has been the same without her and things try to be almost good but never really get there.
I don't know how to be strong.
I actually don't see the point.
Every time someone I care about dies, something inside of me goes with them. I have lost my joy, I have lost the spark in my sass, I have lost my belief and I have lost heart. Feeling is hard now, so I rather not. Loving is too painful, so I have given it up.
I want my strength back.
I need to be closed off.
The colder the word becomes, the icier I should be.
I wish my joy would return, I wish my sass had its old spark. I want to have my belief again, I wish I could feel.
Loving is still too hard.
So for now, that can wait.
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