Dearest: It's been two years to the day

Dearest,

I have two great fears. A fear of forgetting and a fear of remembering.

I am afraid, I will forget you one day Dearest. I go to sleep and wait for you and when I wake, I shut my eyes tightly hoping you will come back. I miss you terribly Dearest. I find the memories fading slowing, I can't remember the colour of the top you wore on our last day together. I can't remember what you told me on my graduation day or your wish for me when I turned 21. I found myself crying because I can't remember our last real conversation. I am so afraid, I am afraid will lose whatever is left of you in mind. Help me Dearest, help me keep you forever.

I am afraid of remembering. I am afraid of remember this day but it won't go away. The memories of this day haunt my dreams and they won't let go. I am afraid of remembering because the sadness cripples me. The pain of what can never be, the pain of what was lost and the pain of all that was shared. It's so much and I am afraid of my lack of self control.

I am older Dearest, you always said life would make more sense when I was older. It doesn't. I suppose you knew that, but you just wanted to give me hope that maybe one day I would understand. Thanks, I will pretend that I am still not old enough for the enlightenment you meant.

I miss you Dearest, I wish I could see you one more time. I wish you could tell me I am being silly with these fears. I wish we could go shopping and eat ice-cream in the car and talk about all the things I want to do. I miss you so much Dearest.

This road ahead is empty without you.

Yours always
M